The Automatik

I remember seeing the world premiere of Bowie and Jagger’s cover of “Dancing in the Street” on Friday Night Videos and being utterly terrified. I was never a big Stones fan, so Mick’s goofy behavior wasn’t that shocking, but Bowie? He was one of the first rock stars I loved as a kid, right up there with John Lennon. What the hell was he doing in this monstrosity?

Stagegay: It’s what’s for breakfast.

I forgot about this video for a while until various friends would mention it in conversation. Then all the terror came rushing back. I hadn’t seen it in a few years until I watched the “Best of Bowie” DVD last year. Time has not erased the video’s awfulness. I mean, really, what were they thinking? Answer, they were not.

Now that YouTube has made so much video goodness available for viewing on a whim, I thought I’d check out this video yet again. What follows is a play-by-play of why this video is as close to the nadir as you can get.

From the opening shot of Mick’s white Reeboks as he jogs in place, you know this one’s gonna hurt.

“OKAY TOKYO!” Mick, you are not Rick Nielsen.

Bowie screams, “South Americaaaaaa!” like he’s the world’s gayest sailor on the prowl.

Jesus, Mick Jagger looks like an idiot monkey. Any second he’s going to fling his own poo at the camera. Or at Bowie.

In fact, Mick’s mugging is so over the top; it’s like he’s trying to cram the last two decades’ worth of it into two minutes and fifty-two seconds. Or perhaps he was just planning his future audition for Riding the Bus with My Sister: The Sequel.

I know Bowie had supposedly kicked cocaine by this point, but his leap from the stairway would seem to indicate otherwise. It would have been so much better had he just landed on Mick’s head.

Ah¦the intense horror of the face-to-face scream-off followed by the tracking dolly shot. Film school students, take note!

Good thing that hobo left his soda can there for a thirsty Mick Jagger. Seriously? What the hell.

A piece of my soul dies at what I like to call the money shot: Bowie’s leg flinging out of the doorway at 1:43. A moment of silence to reflect, please.

I like when Mick “dances like an Egyptian” while Bowie faces the wall and points at the ceiling. And by like I mean, “am mortally embarrassed by.”

OH MY GOD. Bowie just did “jazz hands.” I wish I was joking. I think I repressed this image because the terror of the foot kicking out the doorway is too much to bear.

It’s physically painful to watch them do the “Ashes to Ashes” touching-the-floor move. I actually have tears in my eyes now from the humiliation.

The end with the close-up of their shaking bums is the final act of degradation.

Thank you for sharing this painful journey with me.