The Automatik

Disclaimer: I want to make it clear that in NO WAY am I a fan of Trent Reznor OR his music. In fact, I think he’s quite a Jim Foetus rip-off. It just amuses me that I have this knack for bumping into him at the same places over and over again. But it isn’t like I plan it or anything. In fact, I think it could be argued that he’s stalking ME!

When: 2.19.99
Where: The Palace, the local 20-screen multiplex theater
Why: Premiere of the movie Jawbreaker

I’d seen Trent at a few bars in the French Quarter before, but I was completely surprised to see him at the cheesy, suburban movie theater. Since he had recently had a very public “break up” with his old pal Marilyn Manson, I was a tad shocked that he was going to see a movie featuring Manson’s girlfriend, Rose McGowan. He was with a very young, very pretty black girl – par for the course for him, although I didn’t know it at the time.

I couldn’t resist an attempt at confrontation, no matter how small, so I got behind him in line and as he turned to leave I sneered at him: “Slumming?!?!?” He ignored me and walked away, having no idea who I was. However, my friend Mike from Canada was in hysterics.

When: 2.18.00
Where: The Palace
Why: Premiere of the movie Pitch Black

How fitting to run into Trent on the eve of the anniversary of the last time I saw him at the movies. He was wearing the most unflattering outfit: baggy grey sweatshirt and dumpy jeans. He sat in the fourth or fifth row so he possibly even heard my derisive comments about his fashion “sense.”

When: 11.17.00
Where: The Parish, club on the second floor of the House of Blues
Why: Dandy Warhols/Black Rebel Motorcycle Club show

I was highly amused to see Trent at THIS show. He seemed to look a little more put-together than last time, but not much. As Heidi said in an email to someone, “When I noticed Trent standing only feet away, I had to laugh. Aside from being who he is and doing what he does, he’s pretty damn unattractive. Maybe he gussies up for his videos, but in real life, he is short and washed out with super frizzy hair which is badly ‘styled.’ And you know, maybe a dash of mascara would do something about those crustacean eyes.”

At any rate, there were many other more obviously annoying people there, particularly this pair of Riot Grrrrl rejects (Hey, remember the Lunachicks? You don’t? Oh, hmmmm…). One of them really wished she was Kim Shattuck (The Muffs), and when she walked by, I stage-whispered derisively, “Oh look, it’s Kim Shattuck.” Well, some guy in front of us heard and drooled, “Oh, I LOOOOVE Kim Shattuck! That was SO COOL when she took her tampon out and threw it at the audience!” And we were aghast. NO! That was— MENTAL BLOCK! We could not remember the lead singer of L7′s name! Everyone else, but not her. So full of drunken, giddy bravado, Heidi asked everyone around us, and it was as if the mental block was contagious. Everyone had it on the tip of their tongue, and demanded she let them know when she found out.

We figured if anyone there would know, it would be Trent. So we approached him and all his people were somewhat put off, like, “Who the hell does she think SHE is?” My friend asked and he stammered, “Um, I don’t know. I can’t think of it. Donna?!? Oh, that’s gonna drive me crazy now!” He actually looked perplexed! He requested that we please let him know when we found out. It seemed odd that he wasn’t a total asshole since I’ve heard from so many people that he usually is. We persisted in asking people and we both felt stupid because we knew the chick’s name, we were just spacing. Predictably enough, all these girls swooned, “Ooooh! I saw you talking to Trent Reznor! Do you know him?” and fawned all over her like SHE was the rock star. It was hilarious. Anyway, she finally asked the right person (“Donita Sparks! Of course!”) and proceeded to inform the other confused ones, including Trent, who was really thankful.

When: 11.23.00
Where: Canal Place Cinema, local “art movie” theater
Why: Premiere of the movie Requiem for a Dream

This was probably the most embarrassing of all my Trent encounters. My friend and I walked into the theater, giggling and cracking jokes obnoxiously as usual, and when we realized he was in there, I gasp-laughed, rather un-subtly, prompting him to turn around and stare while I pretended to become one with the theater seat and wish my madly blushing face away. He turned around to look at least twice more, probably wondering A) do I KNOW them? and/or B) who is the lead singer for L7?!?

If you’ve seen Requiem for a Dream, you know it isn’t the easiest movie to sit through, particularly the last half hour. The instant the credits came on, I bolted out of the theater, dreading the thought of crying uncontrollably in front of Trent Reznor on the elevator.

When: 11.24.00
Where: The Palace
Why: Thanksgiving Night showing of the movie Unbreakable

I swear we WILLED Trent to show up that night. We were looking around for him, hoping that he would make an appearance just for coincidence’s sake when suddenly, there he was, picking up his tickets from the debit card ticket machine. Sadly, he was going to see The Grinch while we were going to see Unbreakable, which sucked majorly. Although there were no hilarious histrionics on my part, he definitely noticed us. And probably made a mental note to check out the details of a restraining order come Monday.

When: 4.6.01
Where: The Palace
Why: 12:45 a.m. premiere of the movie Blow

I went to find a seat in front of about four or five “hip” looking guys while my two pals went to get popcorn. In walked Trent, wearing a doo-rag and Teva sandals as he proceeded to sit right behind me, next to the “hip” guys, of course. I surely must have had a look of horror on my face as we made eye contact. My mind was racing as my friends returned: how could I let them know know he was there without being too obvious? I shuddered internally at the thought of one of my friends unwittingly wondering aloud if he would be there and him overhearing. Not that they might be so unrestrained, but I was in a bit of a panic. Obscure in-jokes were used to identify his presence and he was probably none the wiser. But I swear I could not relax enough to enjoy the movie with him there!

Postscript, November 2005: I didn’t see Mr. Reznor after this last incident as he moved away from New Orleans. I now live in Canada. Can you believe the lengths I’ve had to go to to escape from his clutches?